If Found…

The award-winning game by Dreamfeel, If Found… is a narrative erasing game that tells the story of Kasio, a young trans woman who has returned home to Achill Island off the west coast of Ireland. The year is 1993, and Kasio is struggling to find a place where she can be welcomed and accepted as herself. This extract is from the diary entries at the start of the game, just as Kasio returns home.

This extract was written by Eve Golden-Woods and Llaura McGee.


This book belongs to:

Somebody...

I'm home.

December 3rd 1993

My name is Kasio.

Things to remember:

1. Your earliest memory is your Da holding you up on the beach, lifting you over the waves. Rain coming in, he said. Best get back or your Mam will worry.

2. You've finished two goes of college. Your undergrad and your Masters. Everyone thought you couldn't even survive on your own. You stick with it.

3. When people stare, just ignore them. Think about the stars and the galaxies and dark matter. (Whatever it is...) Remember how small and insignificant we all are.

4. You don't need to be nice to people who bully you.

5. You don't need a relationship. Relationships don't work with you. You can try to be normal and have a relationship, but it has never felt right, and that's okay. It's okay to be quiet and weird.

Mam: Bríd McHugh

Age: 52

Likes: Hosting the knitting circle in the house, watching Winning Streak on Saturdays

Hates: driving to Castlebar to do the big shop, mowing the lawn, the parish council.

My favourite thing about her: watching her slowly pick out a tune on the piano from scrappy sheets of paper.

Things to remember

1. She's from the mainland, from Westport. She jokes that she came for my Da but stayed for his five sisters.

2. When I went to school, she started working in the post office.

3. She only knows how to bake a few things, but she has great commitment to it. Mam is determined that me and Fergal will pass on her brown bread recipe.

4. The only thing she kept of Da was his Sunday Jacket. For me or Fergal when we were old enough.

Fergal McHugh

Age: 30

Likes: GAA, a few scoops down the pub with the lads

Hates: thinking.

My favourite thing about him: We used to go and pick mussels together in Keem sometimes.

Things to remember about Fergal

1. He has a photo in his room of him at his Debs. Sarah is there, before she left for Australia. He's smiling at the camera with his big, goofy grin.

2. He was the one who told me Da was in hospital. He came and knocked on the door of my classroom, and I knew at once something was wrong.

3. His favourite films are James Bond films. He watches them religiously when they're on the telly,

December 4th Saturday

I'm home for a month, then I can get back to Dublin.

Fine. Fine.

It feels like I haven't been on the island in years. Research jobs, projects, long hours doing inventory in the supermarket, anything to keep myself away.

I wanted to write a letter to Mam. Hi, this is who I am, here's my name, ta. Couldn't.

Good memories here too, for what that's worth. Tea, hot water bottles, say your prayers, sleep tight.

Mammy loves you. Loves a you.

I'm fine.

Sunday

Back from Mass. No air in this house, nobody has drawn breath here since Da's wake.

I can't stand sitting around, I need to breathe.

I pedalled down the road like if I just went fast enough I could leave it all behind.

Sat on Keem Bay and watched the horizon.

Then Colum appeared. Colum!

'It is you! Well haven't you changed?'

'Good to see you again, Colum. Call me Kasio.'

Nodded. Smiled.

'You should meet my boyfriend, Jack.'

The weather approved. The brightest day since October.

Monday 6th

Fergal mentioned working at the post office again. No thanks. Too many faces.

Met Colum and Jack at the abandoned village and climbed up Slievemore. 

Jack was all teeth & laughter, bright eyed bushy tailed enthusiasm. (I don't think anyone from Achill is that relaxed)

'A band!'

'With a young gun, Shans. A real talent, Shanser is.'

'You're kidding?'

'No really! We're called THE BANDSHEE!'

Jack's on drums of course.

Colum the bassist, setting the groove.

Shans sings and writes. I wonder what he's like?

Tuesday

Got hungry, went up to Dugort to the teashop. They make the only decent sandwich on Achill.

Telling and hearing five years of stories. Colum had much more than me.

'Come hang out with us if you want some space Kasio. We're out in the big house? Out towards Keem. The three of us are living there together. It's amazing.'

'Yeah, it's grand! At least after we cleared out all the broken bottles. Come watch us practice!'

Maybe the month will be grand.

The Last Day of Autumn

This is the opening of a short story published in the collection Noir, edited by David B. Coe and John Zakour.


Edurne was down on the docks, mediating a dispute between a working gang and the Captain of the Everbright, so she didn’t hear about the arrest of Kerbasi the tailor until after the Inquisition had dragged him away. She was shaking Captain El Hammami's hand and feeling good about herself when the Captain pointed over her shoulder and Edurne turned to see a small child, breathless and sobbing, running toward them. It was Kerbasi's niece, Osane-txo, the youngest daughter of Yera and Johann. Edurne's satisfaction curdled into cold fear.

Osane stumbled to a halt in front of Edurne and clutched at her trousers, burying her face in the worn canvas and letting out a long wail. Edurne patted her on the head and let her cry. It took a lot of coaxing and three pieces of anise candy before Osane was calm enough to tell the story.

“They just came in and dragged him away,” she said, hiccuping a bit, “and they turned the whole house upside down and broke Auntie Alis’ best vase. They went down into the cellar and found something. Um, I don’t remember the word—”

“An altar?” Edurne said, hoping she was wrong.

Osane nodded.

 “Yes. They took it outside, smashed it up and burned it.”

Edurne rose out of her crouch with a sigh, running a hand over her forehead and through her thick curls. She wanted to swear, but Johann, Osane’s father, wouldn’t be best pleased if his daughter came home with a new word in her vocabulary.

She took Osane home, then crossed two streets over to Kerbasi's house. The tailor lived—had lived—with his wife, Alis, who opened the door as soon as Edurne's knuckles grazed it.

“Buruza,” Alis said, and bowed slightly. Buruza was an old title. It had meant something once, in a time and place Edurne never knew first-hand. Being the central hub of the community wheel had been a commitment and a promise, an honorable undertaking. There was no honor in Russhafen that was not financial or imperial, but the Gizatalde still yearned for it, and so Edurne did her best to meet their desire, to give the role what little shine she could.

“Alis. I came as soon as I heard.” Edurne rested her hand on Alis's shoulder for a moment, then ducked under the lintel into the house. It was as bad as Osane-txo had said. Yera, Kerbasi’s sister, sat at the table, her head in her hands. She and Alis must have cleaned up what they could, but that only made the devastation clearer. Cupboards shattered, floorboards splintered, curtains and cushions ripped to shreds. The Inquisition had come upon this place with all the terrible power of their God behind them and had left not a piece of it untouched.

“I’ll send some lads over later,” Edurne said heavily. “Help you set this right.”

“Thank you,” Alis said. Yera remained silent, her body clenched into one tight fist.

“Do you know how they found out?”

Alis shook her head. “No idea. Edurne, don’t go prying. The damage is done now. What good can the truth do?”

“Protect others, who might still be trusting a snake.” Edurne said. “I’ll keep the worst of it from you, if I can. But the community will be relying on me to have answers.”

Alis nodded reluctantly. “If it must be so.”

“It must.” Edurne sat at the table. Yera unfolded just enough to pour some tea and set it in front of Edurne, sliding a little dish of bilberry jam across the table with it. Even now, when everything in their lives was falling apart, they would not forget the niceties.

She got them to talk her through exactly what had happened, but the account was not much more helpful than what she already knew. Most Gizatalde had a little altar to one or two of the old gods somewhere in their house. Demons, the Inquisition called them. But to the Gizatalde they were a connection to things they had lost, to the old homeland. Knowing the risks, they worshipped anyway. Edurne was not surprised Kerbasi had taken that risk. Surely he must have thought, “It's so unlikely to be me they catch,” and for forty years, he had been right. Now he was gone and neither Alis nor Yera would see him again this side of the dark river. He would be sent to the mines or offered the option of an honorable death at his own hand if the priests thought it better to silence him quickly. Officially, the Inquisition never killed. But their hands still dripped with blood.

“Did Kerbasi do anything different recently?” Edurne asked carefully. “Not to set the blame on his shoulders, just to know where I should look first.” She had not noticed anything herself. Kerbasi was like the rest of the Gizatalde. He lived where they did, in the streets between Mondstrasse and Breul. He drank in the same pub, made clothes for his neighbors and anyone else who cared to give him coin. 

“Well,” Alis said, “there was the fortune-teller.”

Edurne raised an eyebrow.

“You’ve probably seen her around,” Yera said. “Little Vastan woman, long hair. She’s been hanging out in Kastanieplatz, rolling dice for passers-by.”

Edurne caught a memory of her with that description. “Was Kerbasi interested in fortune telling?”

 Alis shrugged. “We all went to her once. It was a novelty. She’s very good. Kerbasi liked her enough to go back.”

Edurne nodded. Not much of a lead, but somewhere to start. She stood up. “My thoughts to you in your grief. May it be a short winter of the heart.”

“And spring come again soon,” Yera answered automatically.

At the door, Edurne stopped, turned. “Who was it for? The altar?”

She expected them to say the god of weaving, or perhaps the god of costumes. “The god of sunrises,” Alis said, and her smile shook like a loose tile in a winter storm.

More samples available on request.